My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
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How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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