He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
