I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
