im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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