Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
