Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
