I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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