I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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