I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
