I can't watch pbs sober anymore
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
