Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
