I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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