get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
