Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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