the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
