My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
