Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
