there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
