Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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