My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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