Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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