I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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