i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
