i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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