My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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