No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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