she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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