so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
