i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
