The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I stole a fireplace last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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