So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
