last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
