she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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