How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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