I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Let's get the cat blown out
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
