I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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