i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
