Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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