so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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