i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
