I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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