k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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