I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
