I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
