when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
