My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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