I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
