he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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