I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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