is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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