alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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