singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
