the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
4 words: hood of his car
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
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You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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