I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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