she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
