I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
