Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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