So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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